There is never a good time to come to terms about a relationship. The entire focus of Letters from the Box in the Attic is showing how brave, selfless, and wonderful my mother was throughout her life. This was all true, but how does a daughter live with that perfect person who was her mother?
Not always well. Adolescence and adulthood has a way of making that so. Any perfect person is still a human being, not without flaws or weaknesses. In writing the book, I thought about introducing a chapter about the ups and downs Mom and I had, or at least referring to them but decided it would come across as me whining. Therefore there are no references. I felt the need to hold her up on a pedestal, because she was the rock of our family and she needed to be treated with the utmost respect and love.
As with many mothers and daughters not all things were perfect at home with Mom and me, and even after I was married and moved away, that periodic friction continued. I even felt the need to read the book, My Mother Myself, by Nancy Friday. After reading the book I felt more satisfied knowing that there is no sin to being similar to your mother. Some of a mom’s best traits may end up being your own. I shared with my own mom a love of nature’s beauty and color; a strong feeling of justice; and the strong bond of family. The conflicts which surfaced were petty in nature, and in my case it was simply communication, or the lack of it, which was my doing.
When I went away to college, my mother wanted me to call her once a week. But back in the day, a long time ago, college dorms had one pay telephone per floor, not in individual rooms, allowing for no privacy, and of course there were no cell phones. How did we exist! I really resented this exercise, because I did not like to be obliged to call and talk about things she did not understand. She did not go away to school and even if she had, it would have been in another country and during another time. How could she relate? A person should call when they wanted to, was what I thought. But how often would I have called? She knew she needed to stay in touch with her daughter.
Out of respect and love I did as I was told, I called every week. Even with keeping up this practice over the years, the looser was my mom, because there were fewer and fewer things we talked about. Once I moved away from her area and had children of my own the conversations did turn to those kids, their actitivies and school progress which we talked about. I also blamed my deteriorating Polish language skills as the years went on as a reason for the created wedge between us. It’s hard to explain something in a language you only use once a week, so it was easier not to try. To my own discredit, I think I just did not like to be told what to do.
I always thought of myself as a serious career oriented person who needed to work to be fulfilled. At this time in my life I don’t feel as emphatic about that. My little family had the opportunity to move several time while my children were young, and that caused my career paths to change a few times. Each time I found employment and a purpose at these destinations, Mom brought up the fact that it’s good that I was contributing to the household, but my feeling was that I really wanted to work because it was important to me. Maybe all I was doing was contributing a bit financially, but at the time, I felt so misunderstood.
The strong bond of family is also what I shared with my mother. Doing what it takes to keep family together is important to me. There were times I would think of my mom as a door mat becasue she wanted to please everyone. I felt that she did not stand up for herself when criticized. Despite initially blaming my dad for causing Mom not to defend herself especially when he would verbally abuse her while drinking, I believe I was the best at projecting that image on to her. She was a genuine giver. It was important to her that she give of herself to her family. The door mat syndrome is a by-product of being a giver, of wanting to please. When you care about your family it’s easy to become a door mat. The idea of a parent’s unconditional love is quite compelling. The unconditional love of a parent is a gift to her children and then there is the hope that the love goes both ways. I was blessed to have had my mother’s unconditional love and it was returned, despite any ups and downs of life.
To learn more about my mom read Letters from the Box in the Attic, a Story of Courage, Survival and Love – Available on Amazon.